Joey’s Wrestlemania XXX Predictions

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April 5, 2014 by Joey Keogh

20140221_MatchPreview_CenaBray_LIGHT_HPWrestlemania weekend is finally upon us, which means we’re all ankle-deep in speculation and bullshit over what can, might, and definitely will not happen tomorrow night in New Orleans. After a pretty decent installment of Raw this past Monday, the bar has been set pretty high for the PPV to end all PPVS, but it could still all fall apart in the final moments (or even right from the beginning, if previous years are anything to go by).

The WWE staff have all put their two cents in, while the legendary Stone Cold revealed on his podcast that he still believes CM Punk will show up and throw everything off balance once again. Mick Foley, on the other hand,is focusing on the post-WM Raw, during which he thinks Cesaro – who has been gaining significant momentum lately – might finally be given his moment to shine.

With all of this in mind, here are my, completely personal, predictions for how everything will go down tomorrow. They are, of course, completely biased by my own opinions of everyone, and therefore they might be totally outlandish and unfair, but that’s all part of the fun. And, if none of them come true, I can’t be held personally responsible for your complete and utter disappointment:

skully skullFatal 4-Way Tag Team Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship (Pre-show): The Usos -v- Los Matadores -v- The Real Americans -v- Rybaxel
The tag team matches have been pretty great the past few weeks, on both of the main shows, so it’s kind of sad that this bout has been relegated to the pre-show (why not the goddamn Divas match?) Over the past while, The Usos have surprised everyone by coming into their own as a force to be reckoned with, marking themselves out as ones to watch when before they were just the weird dudes who wore face-paint and used to play in the dirt as kids with Roman Reigns. Likewise, The Real Americans have managed to sort out their interpersonal differences and work together as a team, under the wise tutelage of the great Zeb Coulter, though obviously it’s Cesaro who’s the real star in the making here, and although he’s benefited hugely from the exposure, he’s just getting started and will do a lot more once he’s given the opportunity to go out on his own. Rybaxel have no business being a part of this match, and will hopefully just be used as punching bags, to show off what their opponents can do. It was only recently that The Usos swiped the championship from the legendary New Age Outlaws, so it wouldn’t be too surprising to see them snatch it once again at WM. However, Cesaro will get a massive push if he’s part of a championship tag team, and this is his moment to shine so, even though they’re not the most palatable characters, with their pseudo-racist gimmick and weirdly one-sided dynamic, it may just be The Real Americans‘ night.
Predicted Winners: The Real Americans (mainly for Cesaro’s benefit)
 
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skully skullTriple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Randy Orton -v- Batista -v- ?
How sad that the Main Event of the biggest PPV of the year has been near-ruined by the presence of the loathsome Batista on the bill – even seeing his smug, bored face on the poster is enough to elicit cries of bullshit. Seriously, what the hell is this twat doing wrestling in the Main Event at WM? He has quite literally done nothing of interest since his not-so-triumphant return to Raw, aside from splitting his pants on TV and referring to WWE as simply WW more times than I can count. He sucks and he doesn’t deserve to be in this position, but thankfully, something his presence does seem to do is to have a bizarrely positive effect on Randy Orton, who has been more awake and more enthusiastic since Batista‘s return than he has been in years. Perhaps he can sense that his star is fading, but for the first time in what feels like forever, Orton is fun to watch again, and if it comes down to it, I’d definitely rather see him walk away with the championship than Batista. Of course, it all comes down to whether Daniel Bryan is finally going to get a shot at the title, in which case he most definitely deserves to walk away with it. But, although I’d love that to be the case, the cynic in me reckons this angle is going to be milked for a little bit longer and if it’s not Triple H up for the championship, and ultimately taking it home, then someone is going to come along to wreck Bryan’s chances. Could it be Punk, back to cause havoc and finally give Bryan an angle and a feud he can actually sink his teeth into? Or maybe The Shield could turn up to sabotage everything and ensure Orton emerges victorious, after fucking it up for Trips, who was once their boss and friend. The problem is, whatever way this pans out, the match is either going to be great or terrible – there’s no in between with this one, it is what it is and the result is probably not going to be what we want. But, all things considered, as long as it isn’t Batista walking away victorious, I won’t be too furious.
Predicted winner if Triple makes it in: Triple H
Predicted winner if Daniel Bryan makes it in: Daniel Bryan (we hope)

 

skully skull Singles Match for the third spot in the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat match: Daniel Bryan -v-Triple H
Much like the Main Event itself, this match-up between Trips and Bryan has the potential to either be incredible or utterly cringe-inducing. If it’s done well, then it may be awesome to see Bryan lose out on a chance to be champ (yet again) after some serious carnage in the ring. Likewise, if he does somehow manage to emerge victorious, it would be an incredible, awe-inspiring, life-changing moment, one that’ll go down in history as a fantastic underdog story and an example of when the WWE gets it so, so right. But is it really plausible that Bryan’s bad luck is finally over, or are the powers that be going to, once again, pull the rug out from under him at the last second, in an effort to milk this angle even more until he, I don’t know, explodes or something? The issue here is that there aren’t too many other places that Bryan’s story can go. It’s been well-handled for the most part (the recent butchering of him at the hands of a ruthless Trips and Steph was a particular highlight, as was when Cena picked him out of a lineup personally) but it’s reached a plateau and, although he should be guaranteed a spot in the Main Event, the real worry is that if he loses again, either before he gets there or at the pivotal moment, he’s just going to scuttle off to the side instead of being the focus, which he so deserves to be. Maybe someone will intervene, maybe Stone Cold is right and Punk is coming to stir shit up, or The Shield will help him, or something else crazy and out there and wonderful. Who knows, but this match makes me very nervous, and not in a very good way.
Predicted winner: Triple H (but Daniel Bryan would be amazing)
 
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skully skullSingles Match: The Undertaker -v- Brock Lesnar    
There’s not much left to say on this one, it is what it is and, considering Taker is up against the dude who wrestled through his concussion at WM29, this should at the very least be an interesting match, even though the outcome is completely and utterly obvious. Let’s be honest, the attraction to Taker’s one match a year is just to see him kick ass and emerge victorious, and no matter how many times the great Paul Heyman shows up to wax lyrical about how his client is going to Break The Streak, we all know he isn’t. But that isn’t going to make this any less fun.
Predicted winner: The Undertaker (unless Hell has frozen over, no pun intended)

 

skully skullSingles Match: John Cena -v- Bray Wyatt  
Another match that seemed an easy call, until the past few episodes of Raw turned everything up to eleven, resulting in, shockingly, my most anticipated match of WM. Finally, Cena has a worthy opponent, someone three-dimensional, who can wrestle, deliver promos and bring the heat in a way that nobody else on the current roster really can. This match has been built up so fucking well over the past few weeks, culminating in the incredible moment on last week’s Raw, when Cena turned up wearing a boiler suit and sheep mask, before laying waste to The Wyatt Family. Cena will always have his detractors, and of all the matches at WM30 (aside from Taker’s, obviously) this is the one most people will dismiss as too obvious, but for those of us who still believe in the possibilities, this stands to be the most exciting match of the night, not to mention the most unpredictable. If Cena wins, it’ll be another massive step on his road to legend status, but if Bray wins, he’s going to be so over even Bryan will be envious.
Predicted winner: Bray Wyatt (believe in the possibilities)
 
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skully skull6-Man Tag Team Match: The Shield -v- Kane & The New Age Outlaws
When this lot were first paired up together, it seemed like an odd choice, possibly borne of the fact that nobody expected The Shield to last this long, or because maybe poor ol’ Roman Reigns was originally expected to be headlining at WM, instead of slumming it in a 6-Man Tag Team Match for, well, nothing. The New Age Outlaws have recently re-emerged as The New Age Corporate Outlaws, strutting around in suits alongside their sell-out buddy Kane, who has done a pretty decent job building heat for a match that nobody really gives a shit about. There have been rumours for months of a rift in The Shield, and who knows, this may be the night it all falls apart for them, but there’s no denying how strong these three men are together and breaking them up is a massive risk, one that the WWE probably aren’t willing to take just yet. It seems more likely that, if they do lose, the Hounds Of Justice will reappear later, possibly to help/hinder Bryan’s chances. But this is probably going to be an easy win for The Shield, especially since NAO are currently in the business of pushing fledgling tag teams – such as The Usos, whom they recently helped go over – and could help make the boys more palatable as faces. Either way, this should be a great match, and either outcome would satisfy those of us who both grew up with NAO, and grew to love The Shield.
Predicted Winners: The Shield (still too soon to break them up)

 

skully skullAndré the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: 30-Man Battle Royal for the André the Giant Memorial Trophy
Just in case you thought WM30 was going to be a mostly serious affair, here’s the just for laughs match, starring literally everyone in the company ever. There are some useful additions, such as Sheamo, Christian (who was mysteriously revoked of his number one contender title the other week), Damien Sandow, Dolph Ziggler, Cody Rhodes, Goldust, Big E and Alberto Del Rio, all of whom have a shot at the trophy, and any of whom could feasibly win it. I reckon Ziggler deserves a push more than anyone, so I would love him to get it, and break free of the shackles of jobber-dom, but likewise Sandow is being buried for no good reason, so it’d be awesome to see him step into the limelight again. Judging by the past few weeks, this may actually be Sheamo’s match, or even Big E‘s, because he has been the most prolific lately and he’s still one of the most consistently well-liked faces on the roster. Also, he was out for six months so he hasn’t really done anything noteworthy just yet that would render him undeserving. This is a tough one to call, as it could go either way, much like it could be a triumph of great spot after great spot, or simply just a mess of bodies in the ring for ten minutes.
Predicted winner: Dolph Ziggler (he’s earned it, and he’s gained traction the past few weeks, plus it’d be surprising)
 
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skully skullVickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational: 14-Diva Single-Fall Match for the WWE Divas Championship
Otherwise known as the match during which everyone takes a piss break as current champ AJ has to fight off every other bitch on the roster. To be fair, there are some decent Divas at the moment who could make this match interesting, such as the great Summer Rae, who has been kicking ass in her matches lately, or even Brie Bella, who’s benefited hugely from coaching by her fiancee Daniel Bryan. The most likely conclusion of this match will utilise the simmering tension between AJ and her cohort/bodyguard Tamina Snukka as it finally comes to a head, resulting in Tamina taking the championship from her friend. It’s been hinted at for weeks, and it might breathe some life into the fairly stale female section of the WWE. Either way, expect lots of hair-pulling, screaming and drop-kicking.
Predicted winner: Tamina Snukka (she deserves it, and it’s been hinted at for ages)

All things considered, it’s shaping up to be a great show, even if certain matches elicit more enthusiasm than others and the whole thing is being hosted by a fairly old sofa, er, I mean, Hulk Hogan. In fairness, in comparison to last year’s WM (The Rock v John Cena!), this one is completely unpredictable and almost mad in just how many different angles it’s working and feuds it’s exploiting.

Although not entirely unpredictable, WM30 will probably still boast more twists and turns than many of its predecessors, and at least the potential is there for some genuine surprises. It should be a hell of show either way, but obviously all most of us (Punk conspiracy theorists aside) really want is to see Daniel Bryan emerge victorious. And if he doesn’t, and this drags on for another year, you can bet your ass we’ll be watching WM31, just as hopeful, to see if he gets a shot again.

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