June 30, 2014 by Joey Keogh
Finally, after weeks of surprisingly good build-up, the Money In The Bank Pay-Per-View is upon us and the question on everyone’s lips – aside from why the fuck is Alex Riley still on the goddamn “experts” panel – is will John Cena triumph yet again? Sadly, we all know the answer to that question, but thankfully there’s lots of fun to be had before the Main Event lumbers into view. First up, the aforementioned panel – chaired by the lovely Renee Young, who’s sporting false eyelashes that are much too heavy for her eyelids – is here to discuss their picks for the night. Christian is still recovering from a recent concussion so he’s slightly confused, while Booker T is taking the piss completely, as he is wont to do at these events.
The bad news of tonight is that there will be no Bad News Barrett because he’s been injured, but don’t despair, here are some numerically-based facts about MITB that will be reiterated about fifty times tonight so you best pay attention now. There’s a little tribute to the great Vickie Guerrero next, scored to a song that is definitely not “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk so good luck suing WWE you stupid robots, before Daniel Bryan, who has been relegated to the pre-show to make room for a second Divas match, shows up in a shirt he appears to have stolen from the hallowed closet of the infamously-dressed HBK. Michael Cole is like a kid at Christmas because he gets to “interview” him and we all know how much Cole loves pretending to be a proper journo.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t get to do much because, aside from leading raucous “Yes” chants, Bryan will mostly be fielding Twitter queries from randomers – that’s right, not only is arguably the most over wrestler in the company slumming it on the pre-show, but he’s not even getting a proper interview. Bo Dallas soon turns up to refer to how much of a “pain in the neck” Bryan’s current situation is, which leads him to refer to Bo as a “Bo-ner” – it takes the poor lad a second before it dawns on him what that naughty word actually means – before asking him to “Bo-leave”. A nice little vignette follows, featuring the other two Wyatts, before The Usos discuss how much they love winning. It’s then time for the SERIOUS VOICEOVER which explains that this is a DANGEROUS Pay-Per-View because ladders.
Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos -v- Luke Harper & Erick Rowan of The Wyatt Family
For one, horrible moment it seems as though that annoying singing child has returned from the depths of hell to open the show again, but thankfully it’s just a recording of his demonic voice which signals the beginning of a new, swamp rock theme tune for the Wyatt disciples that is not nearly as fun, or disconcerting, as that weird accordion/organ music from last week’s Raw. Luke Harper is rocking a serious back patch tonight, while Erick Rowan appears to have invested in some stylish, snot-green overalls for the occasion. Someone in the crowd – it could be male or female, I shudder to think which would be worse – is proudly brandishing a sign proclaiming that Rowan is “ravishing” and Harper is “hot”. Well, whatever you’re into. As is to be expected, this is a fun, totally crazy opening match which showcases The Usos innate ability to understand each other in the ring and work seamlessly as a team, alongside the swamp dudes’ brutality and weirdness. There’s a pretty cool tackle from an Uso earlier on, off the barricade, while Rowan and Harper chew their own beards as they mull over how best to kick the shit out of their opponents (mostly by kicking). An incredible double superplex by an Uso – Jey, maybe? – followed up by two splashes in a row dismantles Rowan and wins it for The Usos, retaining the championship for them also.
Winner: The Usos (was it their weird, tin foil shorts that did it for them?)
A replay of Seth Rollins still-awesome heel turn follows, just to whet our appetite for later – in spite of the fact theirs is easily the most anticipated match of the night. Dean Ambrose then appears onscreen, in a leather jacket clearly stolen from the locker of an unsuspecting Diva with no taste, wondering whether he should climb the ladder later or simply use it to smash Rollins’ face in, before quickly deciding that he’s going to do both.
Divas Championship Match: Paige -v- Naomi
Remember all the heat that was built up for this match? Well you should because it all happened on last week’s Raw. The other Flunky is pissed that Naomi gets a shot at Paige, and she sulks ringside throughout, crossing her pom-poms over her chest in silent protest. Arugably the most annoying thing about women’s matches in WWE is that the impact always seems much lower than that of their male counterparts’. At one point, Naomi chucks Paige out of the ring, and in another she has her in a pretty decent hold, but in spite of Paige‘s keen ability to sell, none of it really rings true. The commentators reckon Naomi is really athletic, which is not how one would usually describe a wrestler whose signature move involves her sitting on her opponents in order to squash them with her giant butt. But who cares, because Paige wins, retaining the belt.
Winner: Paige (at least Alicia Fox wasn’t involved, eh?)
Just in case you were getting a bit too into the show, and need a little break, we’re going to take a quick trip back to the experts panel so that they can divulge, again, who their picks are for tonight. As usual, Alex Riley can’t help talking over everyone so all we really get to hear is who he’s backing which, let’s face it, nobody gives a shit about. Booker is still messing like a big messer and Renee looks like her eyelashes are trying to take over her face. Send help!
Paul Revere -v- Adam Rose
This doesn’t actually start out as a match, rather poor ol’ Damien Sandow – who is still being punished for what we can only assume was the most utterly heinous of crimes – emerges, dressed as Paul Revere, to refer to the sold-out Boston crowd as “halfwits”. The Mad Hatter then enters and chucks him out of the ring onto his butt. A quick nod from the long-suffering referee and the match is in session. In fairness to him, in spite of looking far too much like nineties-era Marti Pellow, Rose can kind of wrestle when he wants to, but tonight he’s content to just jog about like an idiot and refuses to remove his giant sunglasses for quite some time. No matter because he wins somehow anyway.
Winner: Adam Rose (are his groupies going to hang around if he loses, or..?)
Up next, we get a variety of vignettes from the participants in the MITB ladder match for the briefcase that is most likely filled with Triple H‘s dirty socks. Rollins is up first, broadcasting from the bowels of some unknown evil entity, with Rob Van Dam in quick succession – thankfully sober enough to not communicate solely using “Duuuuuude” – and Dolph Ziggler sporting one, lone Superman-esque curl against his perfectly tanned forehead. If this doesn’t get you excited for the bout, nothing will.
Money In The Bank Contract Match: Seth Rollins -v- Dean Ambrose -v- Rob Van Dam -v- Kofi Kingston -v- Jack Swagger -v- Dolph Ziggler
There are two MITB ladder matches tonight, and suffice to say this is the more interesting one, and it probably should’ve been the Main Event. Rollins emerges first, in full latex gear like an evil member of The Shield (as noted by the hilarious guys over on The Go Home Show). Swagger enters next, sporting a new T-shirt with a giant hand placed firmly over his heart. Once the bell has rung, Ambrose immediately launches at Rollins and, thankfully, the majority of the match focuses on the two tearing chunks off each other. A sign in the crowd declares that “Seth Can’t Mosh” which is mean because he goes to lots of pop punk shows so he’s probably much more adept at bouncing. Speaking of which, Kofi, who excels in these kinds of bouts, manages to bounce off the top rope at one point to land perfectly on the outside, thereby tackling three of his opponents at once. Later, Rollins is superplexed by Ambrose onto a ladder, before he takes one to use on Kofi and Ziggler. RVD showcases his prowess with an impressively high (no pun intended) Rolling Thunder, before later climbing to the top of a ladder and duking it out with Rollins and Swagger. In what is undoubtedly the coolest moment of the entire show, Ambrose, after much teasing, suplexes Rollins from the top of a ladder, causing the two to collapse in a heap afterwards, seemingly unable to go on – it’s a remarkable moment, and for once the many replays that follow, all of which are from different angles, are justified. The other participants simply pale in comparison – it’d be great if they could just be eliminated or disposed of, to make more room for the ex-bros to kill each other in the middle of the ring. Unfortunately, Ambrose has managed to exacerbate his shoulder injury and, as a result, he gets dragged out of the arena, leaving Kofi to set up a ladder and then powerbomb Rollins into it. Ziggles shows off a little by climbing to the top of the ladder using only his arms as Swagger clutches onto his legs, in an attempt to drag him back down. Rollins grabs a chair and uses it to beat the crap out of him once he’s crashed back onto the mat. Of course, Ambrose shows up at the most opportune moment and uses the chair on Rollins, finally getting payback for his betrayal – he even uses his bad shoulder, because he is a bad ass. THE DEMON KANE then shows up, because he thinks this is his ladder match when clearly it isn’t, and piledrives Ambrose leaving Rollins to climb to victory as his ex-friend squirms on the mat, sporting a gash on his chin (of course) and a giant snot in his nose (nicely done, camerman). The Authority come out to clap and cheer for their new protegee while a ginger dude in the crowd gives a big ol’ thumbs down because heels are bad, yo.
Winner: Seth Rollins (boooo he cheated and he looks like a scubadiver which is weird because there’s no water here)
Backstage, the man who is not Renee is with Randy Orton, who, when asked whether he thinks he’ll win tonight, reveals he reckons his chances are “pretty good” – that is some in-depth, investigative journalism right there, folks. When asked about Reigns, he refuses to answer and instead stares at the poor interviewer, clearly with the intention of intimidating him although really he’s just brooding sexily as usual. There’ll be no help for him later on, though, because he’s a big boy and can take care of himself.
Tag Team Match: Rybaxel -v- Goldust & Stardust
Now, for the most important match of the night, which begins with Stardust freaking Curtis Axel out in much the same way his brother has done for years – except he seems to be enjoying it even more, if that’s possible. Rybaxel, to their credit, have some great double team moves, even if their matching singlets and beanie hats make them look a bit special. As they beat the shit out of poor Goldust, his brother hops back and forth outside the ring, desperate to be tagged in. Ryback then beats his chest like a gorilla for a bit too long, before yelling “I still got it!” to nobody in particular – who would’ve thought, a year ago, that the big guy had a personality that didn’t have anything to do with wearing leather jackets or being constantly hungry!? There are lots of fun spots during this match, but Stardust eventually wins it for them. Axel attacks regardless, but it doesn’t really go anywhere.
Winners: Goldust & Stardust (ooooooooh etc)
Next up, the wonderful Bray Wyatt is speaking from a sweat lodge somewhere in the depths of the swamp land in which he was born and raised. Apparently, he’s already preparing for the aptly-titled Battleground, which is nearly a month away. Focus on tonight, Bray! There’s so much at stake! Backstage, the man who is not Renee is with Fandango. Sporting his flashy, bedazzled referee’s outfit, he seems calm and collected, and not at all worried that two ladies who can’t act are fighting over him while making thinly-veiled references to their boobies and butts. “Save it for the ring” he tells them simply, before sashaying off. King can’t wait for this match, surprise surprise, but weirdly enough it’s not next so just hang on and try not to let the anticipation build too much.
Alexander Rusev -v- Big E
Although it’s great to see Rusev up against someone his own size for once, this is basically just the same ol’ squash match yet again – only slightly longer and with a bit more action here and there. First, though, Lana is here to tell everyone to shut up before Big E pops up in the corner of the screen to give an impassioned speech as though he thinks he’s Solomon Northup or something. The match kicks off with lots of scattered uppercuts, before an impressive Belly To Belly which looks really good with two big dudes, followed up by the Accolade, which E taps out of after a respectable thirty seconds.
Winner: Alexander Rusev (someone deemed this worthy of a PPV slot, you know)
It’s time to check in with the panel again, just in case we’ve forgotten who their picks for tonight are. At least Booker’s bun is impressive, so we can just focus on that while his eyes dart around suspiciously. Renee pretends to listen, Riley blathers on about nothing and Christian tries to figure out just where and who he is. Backstage, the Bellas are hanging out when Steph turns up to admonish Nikki for bringing her stupid, traitorous sister along tonight. She asks her what the hell she was thinking before acknowledging that, as we are all aware, “thinking is not what the Bellas do best” – hey, Bon-Bons is a hard word to say, Steph, give them a break. Brie loves the video of Steph being pushed into the goo by Vickie so much that we get to see it again too! She’s then escorted out of the building.
Divas Match: Layla -v- Summer Rae
Let’s be honest, Fandango is the real star of this match and, as he enters, lifting up his ref shirt to reveal his wiggly butt, it’s clear that there isn’t going to be much female-on-female action tonight. As is to be expected, there’s lots of shrieking and hair-pulling and no real moves – in fact, the most interesting moments come when Fandango is calling the action and wiggling his butt suggestively as he does so. He also dances a lot, which is diverting enough for a match of this length. Cole is pissed JBL met Jon Stewart, who is front row with his kid and looks bored as hell. Layla wins with a very quick count, and gets her own music played as a reward!
Winner: Layla (whoever wins, we lose)
Main Event: Money In The Bank World Heavyweight Championship Match: John Cena -v- Bray Wyatt -v- Kane -v- Roman Reigns -v- Alberto Del Rio -v- Sheamus -v- Cesaro
After a wonderfully mental night, we finally arrive at the Main Event. Cesaro is so stoked for it that he’s decided to wear his hotel bathrobe to the ring, just to show that he’s made it. The Authority, who perch ringside throughout, are highly aroused by THE DEMON KANE while John Cena receives mostly boos in spite of the fact he grew up not too far away from here. The action kicks off pretty fast and loose, with an impressive Samoan Drop by Reigns to Bray, setting the tone for the match. A few dudes climb to the top of the ladder almost immediately, and THE DEMON KANE quickly dispenses with them. Steph is almost as thrilled as the Boston crowd to see Cena get choke-slammed by THE DEMON KANE, which is followed up by a ridiculously vicious uppercut by Cesaro – sadly, we all know that when Cena takes a beating early on, it usually means he’s going to emerge victorious at a later stage, but let’s try to remain hopeful for the moment. Since this is a ladder match, soon we are asking ourselves how many men can we fit on this one piece of equipment? Sadly, we won’t find out the answer tonight as Sheamo focuses on hitting all of his signature moves, because otherwise his mammy back in Cabra will be disappointed and won’t make him any tea next time he’s injured. Elsewhere, Bray suplexes Cena onto a ladder that is balancing on another ladder, before Reigns Superman punches Orton. What’s perhaps most shocking about this match – aside from the fact it was deemed Main Event worthy, over the other, far more entertaining one – is that it showcases that the Spanish announce table is still intact. How bizarre! Soon, only Reigns and Cena remain in the ring, and it seems like it might all be over as Reigns delivers a gut-punching Spear. Bray then shows up to administer the Sister Abigail on Orton. Sheamo’s Brogue Kick completes his moves, but Cesaro counters it with the Neutraliser. Orton delivers the RKO on Cesaro in quick succession while Steph’s yells of enthusiasm sound like the typical horny old lady in the crowd. As the camera cuts back, a gaping head wound is visible on Orton and, to his credit, he bathes in the blood and covers everyone else in it too – considering how ridiculously vain he is, this can’t be easy for him. A classic Samoan headbutt from Reigns sends both flying off the ladder, before THE DEMON KANE chokeslams him. Cena then delivers the Attitude Adjustment with little fanfare – possibly due to all the booing – and climbs the ladder slowly, slowly, slowly to win.
Winner: John Cena (no, really)
Considering this was a mostly entertaining, reasonably exciting PPV, it was disappointing that Money In The Bank had to end with Cena winning yet again. For a few moments – at least, until the logo showed up in the corner of the screen – it seemed like Rollins was going to barrel down, briefcase in hand, and go for a title shot. Sadly, it was not to be – at least, not yet anyway.
Aside from this minor annoyance, which most of us are used to at this stage, MITB was a bizarre, yet satisfying PPV. The “main” ladder match, for want of a better term, was the standout of the night, but both tags were great too and there were some decent spots in the Main Event, even if the men who truly deserved to win didn’t even come close.
Evidently, we’re building up to something great – hopefully the rumours of a Cena/Brock Lesnar match at Summerslam are premature – but what it is has yet to be revealed. As always, we can only hope to have some fun along the way but if MITB is anything to go by, we’re on the right track.