November 20, 2014 by Joey Keogh
In keeping with what has arguably been the worst build-up to a PPV all year, this week’s Raw has Grumpy Cat as a special guest. And the sad part is, she isn’t even the worst part of it. We open with a replay of last week’s events before The Authority stroll out, with their team in tow, to show off what remarkably good trolls they are yet again, starting with Steph clapping herself happily as Michael Cole, in his infinite wisdom, reveals he thinks that this is it for them. Trips gives a quick recap of what’s happened thus far (i.e. nothing of interest) as he explains to the crowd that they can’t lose because they don’t want to end up as just “regular employees of somebody…like all of you”. Trips and Steph are at their best when they’re calling out WWE fans for being losers, and it’s eaten up once again tonight as the boos grow louder the more bullshit they spout.
Trips points out that it’s ironic how Vince is so well-loved nowadays, when he used to be vehemently hated as the evil Mr. Mc Mahon. One day, that’ll be The Authority and then we’ll be sorry. He reckons we’d “rather have the inmates run the asylum”, but look how well that turned out for WCW (sitcom “oooh”s entail here), revealing that the Main Event tonight is a massive CONTRACT SIGNING. Triple H then takes a moment to shill the Network which, as you recall, is free this month, and that offer includes Survivor Series so no wonder they don’t seem to give a shit about it. A contract signing as a Main Event is worse than the cat, let’s be honest. We came here to see wrestling, not people using pens. All the teammates are introduced one by one, with only Luke Harper taking the opportunity to grab the mic and reiterate that he is a team player.
It’s clear he wasn’t supposed to say anything, which just makes it even funnier. Ryback shows up next, sporting a weightlifting belt, emblazoned with BIG GUY, a nice touch for a man with absolutely zero personality and a voice more suited to reading ghost stories to children. Kane is forced to apologise to him, but doesn’t really, before Steph reveals that Cena has no respect for Ryback and they’ve got the video evidence to prove it! We’re forced to sit through lots of old Cena promos about the size of Ryback‘s dick, and the fact that Cena owes him $1.60 for an old phone card – here’s hoping we don’t get more goofy Cena nonsense later, right!? Steph reckons Cena is jealous because Ryback won the pie-eating competition back in Texas. Trips loves saying “decimate”. Crazy Eyes gets the first match for some reason.
Luke Harper -v- Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler has cut the collar on his shirt like a sexy lady showing off her cleavage. Harper looks like he’s about to drag him into the mud and exfoliate his skin for him. The plan tonight is for Team Authority to destroy Team Cena before they even get a chance to fight on Sunday, but short of tearing each member limb from limb, there’s enough time to recover in the five days before the PPV, so how is this going to work? Anyway, Rollins is on commentary for the first match, sitting dangerously close to JBL‘s hat and disingenuously cheering Ziggler on. Before it even gets started, the cruiserweight division pops up out of nowhere and start beating on Ziggler, alongside Harper, leading Rollins to hop up and use his briefcase on him, too. The lady who isn’t Justin Roberts informs us that this match is now for the IC title so sorry Ziggler, you’re gonna lose tonight buddy. In fact, Harper almost wins immediately with a swift boot to his opponent’s jaw, but Ziggler isn’t that much of a pussy and survives a powerbomb before the next near fall, out of which he barely manages to kick. As Ziggler is stuck in a headlock in the centre of the ring, Cole takes the opportunity to give Rollins shit because, according to him, he only has the briefcase because of The Authority, a fact Rollins barely denies. Harper goes for another powerbomb, but Ziggler punches him repeatedly while he’s up on his shoulders, before Harper ultimately swings him around and wins it with a clothesline. Following his defeat, Ziggler gets curbstomped by Rollins and then Harper lords the belt over him. How unspeakably cruel.
Winner: Luke Harper
Next up, Cole refers to the cat as Grumpy THE Cat, which is not its name. The cat is not named Grumpy, it has an actual cat name, you fucking dipshit you can’t do anything right. We get another really weird preacher promo, this time starring Kofi Kingston because they’re a stable now, he Big E and Xavier Woods, in case you’ve forgotten that in the six months since any of them have been featured on television. Luckily, this bullshit is followed up by The Miz and Mizdow cutting a ridiculous promo with the cat, during which Miz pitches her ideas about upcoming projects. Mizdow even has a Grumpy Stuntcat, whom he strokes lovingly throughout. The cat isn’t into it, because she’s very picky with her scripts, so Miz storms off, and then returns to give her a little kiss on the head and promise to add her on Facebook. King notes that the cat looks as though she’s seen one of Miz’s films, because her eyes are barely even open anymore.
Adam Rose -v- Tyson Kidd
In case you missed the shocking reveal earlier in the week, Justin Gabriel was The Bunny, at least on tonight’s show and that is important because later he does something unspeakable to Rose’s leg that proves he’s way too into this non-character. Speaking of Rose, he still looks like a bum, or maybe a washed up, near death rock star who’s done far too much heroin over the past twenty years. Either way, he looks like shit. There’s a nice promo for 2K15 before the match gets started, scored by a Black Veil Brides song, before Ambrose shows up to shill the Network in his own, special Ambrose way. Rose hits a spinebuster early on that looks pretty okay, and it leads to a near fall, but once Kidd gets him in the sharpshooter, it’s pretty much over before it’s even begun. The Bunny is blamed for Rose’s defeat, because he was hitting on Nattie at the most crucial moment, so to make it up to his boss/buddy/owner, he hops up into the ring and humps his leg for a bit. No, really.
Winner: Tyson Kidd
A Bray Wyatt promo, conducted against a sea of cellphone lights, follows, before which he announces that “I’m here” in a very sad, lonely way. He attacked Ambrose on Smackdown, but then held his head lovingly in his lap afterwards, so it’s kind of mixed messages between the two of them at the moment, a bit Fifty Shades Of Grey if you know what I’m saying. Tonight, he wants to talk about love, because a man who has nothing to love and nothing to lose is the most dangerous man in the world. Ambrose is just trying to express his love, and have you forgotten that his father is in prison because that’s a talking point now!? “I come in peace, man” Wyatt tells nobody in particular. “Is this thing on?” comes Ambrose’s disembodied voice in response, leading to a flurry of excitable, hushed whispers from the crowd. Bray’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard to him, so much so that he can’t listen anymore and runs out to attack! Bray flees, leaving Ambrose to tell him from the ring: “As you can see, I don’t need any savin’. At Survivor Series, you just need to worry about savin’ yourself” Aw, I really hope these two can work it out. Bray and Dean OTP, y’all.
Ryback -v- Cesaro
Ryback has a nip slip even before he’s thrown a punch, but that doesn’t matter once he’s grabbed Cesaro in a headlock and is squeezing him like a tiny grape between his massive fingers. His opponent Suplexes him, before Ryback pays him back in kind by holding him straight up in the air for several seconds before administering a debilitating vertical Suplex of his own. Cesaro follows it up with yet another Suplex, along with a barrage of uppercuts to break the cycle of, er, Suplexes. Cena is watching backstage, in full ring gear, with the look of a man who was promised a Vanderpump Rules marathon and didn’t get it. Cesaro strands his opponent on the ropes, before falling victim to a chest-press and getting stranded in the corner himself, with Ryback pummelling him with his shoulder over and over. Cesaro manages to grab Ryback in a sleeper hold, but he powers out for a load of uppercuts and a swift boot to the face. Cesrao grabs him and chucks him out, before dragging him back in and locking him in a sleeper hold again. The crowd are chanting for Ryback even though he can’t do much to encourage them aside from raising his massive arms up and down like he’s half-heartedly directing traffic on a really quiet suburban street. A Splash from the second rope looks utterly rubbish, as JBL is quick to point out, but Cesaro regains control soon after with four more Suplexes in quick succession. An elbow from the top, followed by a meathook clothesline and finally a shellshock, wins it for Ryback. Renee turns up backstage on cue to ask Cena if he’s scared. Of course he ain’t scared of nothin’ but The Authority should be. Viva la révolution!
Rusev -v- Heath Slater
There are lots of thumbs down for Rusev as he enters the arena, and the crowd talks over Lana and her giant gold watch, growing increasingly louder the more she tells them to “Shut up!” After making an inspired reference to Kim Kardashian’s oily butt, Lana offers her own topless shot, but of course it turns out to be that one photo of Putin riding a horse. Slater turns up, cosplaying as the American flag, to tell her “America wants you to shut up” but naturally he only lasts about one second in the ring with Rusev, before falling victim to a boot and the Accolade.
Backstage, Miz offers the cat a buddy comedy but she still seems nonplussed. Rowan shows up to be like “Here kitty kitty” in that creepy way of his, before demanding simply “I want that cat”, taking Mizdow’s beloved stunt-kitty from his arms and leaving without another word. Grumpy Cat still looks nonplussed. Up next, Big Show is here, and so is Steph and the best entrance music ever. She chastises him for giving in to what the stupid fans want, because what do we know right? We’re probably all fat and ugly and live in our parents’ basements still, it’s a wonder we can even afford tickets to these shows! Steph offers Show entry to the Hall Of Fame – “a giant honour for a giant man” – if he quits Team Cena but he turns her down flat, without a microphone so it isn’t clear at first. Sheamo turns up next, addressing Steph as “Mrs. H” but she has no time for him, he’s not even an American citizen! What a shame(us) it’d be if he couldn’t perform on Sunday, right? And on that note, it’s time for a match! Whoever wins gets a shot at the world heavyweight championship because we make the rules, damn it!
Sheamus -v- Big Show
These two are reluctant to fight at first, because they’re on the same team and all, and maybe they shared a packet of Doritos backstage and Sheamo told Show how beautiful Cabra is in the summertime when all the kids are out playing on the green. But they soon get into it, with Sheamo aiming for Show and getting knocked out of the ring as he ducks, and then chucks him into the barricade. There’s a nice elbow drop by Show once they’re back in the ring, which leads to the first near fall of the match. He grabs him in a leg lock, but Sheamo makes it to the ropes, before suffering a brutal high running knee for his trouble. Show goes for another drop, but Sheamo dodges it, managing to Spear him from the top rope soon after, leading to another near fall, after which he delivers the White Noise, and Show kicks out again. He goes for the Brogue Kick but Show counters with a chokeslam. Suddenly, Rusev and Mark Henry show up to intervene, leading to raucous boos from the audience who were otherwise comatose during this bout. Rusev kicks Sheamo, leading to a DQ, and then takes on Show as Henry finishes the Irishman off on the outside by throwing him through the announce table. Where the hell is Cena!? Show is in the Accolade and clearly dead, as is Sheamo, and he’s just backstage hiding somewhere. No wonder he doesn’t have any friends.
Divas Exhibition Match: Brie Bella -v- Nikki Bella
Brie emerges first, dressed as AJ, in much shorter shorts than Mrs. Punk usually wears, and not looking nearly as cute. The real AJ soon turns up to sit on commentary and give out about how Brie looks better than her. The girls shock with actual moves, Nikki administering a backbreaker before throwing her sister across the mat. She stops to throw shade at AJ, who remarks that, for her opponent, the belt is an accessory, “something to go with her shoes”. Nikki goes for the Rack Attack (still funny) but is distracted by AJ, giving Brie a chance to roll her up to win. She then goes “oops” really disingenuously, either because she can’t act or she doesn’t understand the storyline. Maybe both. AJ hops in and administers a shining wizard on Nikki. As Brie celebrates with a “Yes” chant, AJ takes her out too and then sweet-talks her belt.
Winner: Brie Bella
A Big E vignette follows. Yay? Backstage, Ryback is taping up his hand when Cena appears and refers to him as “big man”. He immediately corrects him, before telling him rather frankly that “not only can I not see you, I can’t see your team”. They shoot the shit about how Ryback is only out for himself or something, before Cena uses emotional manipulation to convince him to come out later. Okay, he still seems unconvinced, but we know it’s coming. There’s a mixed metaphor about food in there somewhere too, but that’s par for the course with Ryback.
8-Man Tag Team Match: The Usos -v- Goldust & Stardust -v- Los Matadores -v- The Miz & Damien Mizdow
“Hey Vince, what about all those other guys we have left over for Raw? What are we gonna do with them?” “I dunno, just stick ’em all in a match together, no one will notice the difference” Mizdow is announced first, but of course they tease us with the hot tag for the whole match and he never quite gets a shot at anyone. Miz makes a big deal of removing his shades before taking on a matador, who stays in action for pretty much the whole match. He grabs him in a headlock, Goldust tags in, and then the matadors team up to steal The Usos double Splash move and tackle the art weirdos on the outside. Miz goes for the Figure-4 lock but is rolled up and clotheslined, leading to a near fall. Goldust tags back in, the crowd go nuts for Mizdow thinking he’s next but then Stardust enters instead. Mizdow is finally tagged in, but then immediately tagged back out by Miz, who goes for the Figure-4 again and is kicked out of the ring as a result. Stardust is in and finally The Usos get a shot as they double team him before Splashing out to tackle Mizdow. An Uso clothelines Stardust back in the ring, before hitting a Samoan Drop. Miz is tagged and administers the skull-crushing finale. The other matador manages a dropkick but Stardust wins it with the Dark Matter.
Winner: Damien Mizdow, The Miz, Stardust & Goldust
After that complete mess of a match, you’d be forgiven for looking forward to a nice little contract signing. However, before that, we are informed that Sheamo is injured and won’t be competing on Sunday. Also, next week’s guest on Raw will be Larry The Cable Guy, who is worse than Grumpy Cat for sure. The Authority stroll out first, with Trips cutting a heart-wrenching promo about how they can’t lose. Steph assures him they won’t and he manages to cheer up enough to turn to his team and promise them that they won’t. He gives Team Cena the opportunity to back down (or be fired, it has since transpired) and Steph uses the word “decimating” again. “Allow me to introduce what’s left of Team Cena” Trips smirks as the man himself walks out sheepishly, waits a bit and, when no one else appears, moves confidently towards the ring.Echoing Ryback‘s earlier sentiment, Trips tells him “I can’t see the rest of your team” Cena’s all “ha ha ha but yo’ jokes gon’ stop this weekend”
Goofy Cena is the absolute worst and the next ten minutes comprise of him not just shamelessly shilling the Network, but making poop and puke jokes leading Trips to read our minds by making yapping hand gestures and going “har de har”. It’s insufferable. Suddenly, it all comes to a head as Steph slaps Cena, leading Ziggler to show up, holding his neck, followed by Show and Rowan. Harper is even more wide-eyed than usual at the sight of his swamp brother. Next, Cesaro appears, but only to join Team Authority and rub it in Cena’s face in the process. They count everyone again, very slowly, thereby realising that Cena is still one short. Steph is loving it, but when Ryback shows up and joins the opposing team, her smile soon fades and it all descends into chaos as everyone attacks everyone at once. It all ends with Trips being thrown through a table by Cena. Yawn.
So that’s it, that’s all we get until Sunday. Rumours abound that something good is going to happen, like Sheamo turning heel and screwing over Cena, or The Authority losing and being humiliated but the build-up has been so terrible it’s difficult to imagine the PPV is going to be anything other than meh, which is sad considering it’s the second last of the year. Maybe Grumpy Cat will make an appearance again and it’ll be weird?
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