December 11, 2014 by Joey Keogh
It’s the go-home show before TLC, and what better way to waste – er, I mean, spend – this episode than with the millionth annual Slammy Awards show! Before we get to that, though, remember Survivor Series? No? Oh well, it doesn’t matter anyway. The Main Event tonight is going to be John Cena versus Big Show because reasons. Our first award of the night is presented by King (“I thought he called in sick!” quips a bewildered JBL, upon spotting his buddy up on stage, instead of sitting within slagging distance of him as he usually is), who introduces tonight’s host, Seth Green, as an actor, producer and rumoured cover star of an upcoming issue of Muscle & Fitness magazine. There’s a small pop for Green as he enters, but given he’s a massive wrestling fan, he doesn’t mind much and is noticeably stoked to be here.
Apparently, there will be matches tonight, so don’t fret people who paid $400 to sit ringside only to realise you’d be watching badly-edited clip packages all night. Miz cuts Green off mid-speech, but there’s significantly more of a pop for his buddy Mizdow. The host seems to have been stood on a crate, which he hops off to greet the two of them. Miz is pissed he didn’t stop by to hang out with him in his dressing room, because he thought they were buds and, of course, wants to use him to advance his career. “I’m the A-lister that Seth Green needs” he coos, almost completely drowned out by chants for his stunt double. Green notes that Mizdow is the real A-lister of the two of them, and the boo/chant thing they’ve been doing the past couple of weeks happens again and is wonderful. Mizdow mimes for Seth Green to call him behind Miz’s back, before he reveals the nominees for the “This is AWESOME” moment of the year, all of which happened about five minutes ago.
Dolph Ziggler -v- Seth Rollins
As you probably recall, these two were the only ones left in the ring following the explosive Main Event match at the last PPV – they’re also two of the most exciting talents on the current roster, but that goes without saying. Lillian looks like a pageant queen as she purposely stands in shot, waiting for Ziggler to finish his entrance, as she tries desperately to remember her lines. Rollins unloads on his opponent to start, hungry to prove himself after months of being a total pussy and a sell-out. Ziggler fights back with a superkick that knocks Rollins clean off the apron, following up with a brutal elbow drop that leads to the first near fall. They duke it out on the top rope for a bit before Ziggler manages a backdrop, but Joey Mercury intervenes just as he’s lining Rollins up for the win, allowing him enough time to curbstomp Ziggler into submission.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Immediately following the match, the winner of the “This Is AWESOME” award of the year is revealed to be…Sting! He isn’t here tonight, of course, so Rollins, who is still making his exit as the announcement is delivered, decides to accept on his behalf, only he’s out of breath from the fight so most of what he’s trying to say – Sting sucks, he broke up The Authority, he has weird hair – comes out as garbled nonsense. He kicks poor Seth Green’s crate out of the way, as he laps up the boos from the crowd, and then Mercury and Noble stare him out of it until he joins them in clapping for the, er, winner.
Kofi Kingston -v- Stardust
This isn’t a tag team match, for some unknown reason, but that doesn’t stop The New Day from entering and trying to get a chant going that is essentially stolen from The Usos, only replacing “U-so!” with “New-Day!” Some more winners were announced over the break, including the great Dean Ambrose, who won prettiest smile. JBL notes that Rollins is like “our version of Meryl Streep”, which presumably is an Oscar reference, but who knows with him. The crowd are totally dead throughout this match, and it’s hard to blame them when nothing particularly exciting happens, even with Kofi being given the chance to show off a little. He manages a Splash from the top rope into a crossbody to win, and Stardust doesn’t even look particularly cut up about it. As he’s celebrating with his team-mates in the ring, it suddenly becomes obvious that Big E got the shit end of the stick with regards the costumes – he looks like a sexy Darth Vader.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Up next, John Laryngitis is here, looking like a ventriloquist’s dummy, to present the “Surprise Return Of The Year” award. Hulk Hogan is up for it, because he only returned once this year, you guys! That totally counts as surprising! It’s pretty clear Warrior is going to win this one because his clip package has been edited in such a way as to emphasise his deadness. Backstage, Rollins is being congratulated by his security team when Paul Heyman strolls past to be awesome – one dude is booing the hell out of him, bless him – and let him know he expects his client Brock Lesnar to win everything tonight. Rollins reminds him of the existence of the briefcase, because it’s been a while. Although, not as long as it’s been since Lesnar was on Raw amirite!? His nipples are very distracting throughout this promo, so I’m not sure whether it ends well or not. It seems to, Heyman is smiling.
Divas Match: Charlotte -v- Natalya
NXT Divas champ, and daughter of the legendary Ric Flair, Charlotte is making her debut tonight and who have we chosen to put her over? Nattie, who is most definitely going to win this because she is. Her hubbie TJ hangs out ringside, somehow managing to be more interesting thanks to a spiffy cat T-shirt – complete with hood and ears. Some NXT footage plays before we get started, serving only to highlight the fact that the women get a much better deal on that show than they do here. Charlotte dominates at first, stranding Nattie in the corner with some brutal-looking knees, before chopping her and landing her with another knee to the gut. Nattie manages to grab her in the sharpshooter, Charlotte counters with a classic Figure-4 (made famous by The Miz, as you probably recall) but Nattie turns it around to roll her up and win. TJ then steals the spotlight from his long-suffering wife by lapping up the applause from the top rope. Hey, way to sell Charlotte to us! Maybe next time she can lose to Eva Marie!
Up next, we have the “OMG! Shocking Moment Of The Year” award, presented by Santino Marella who, clad in a suit with a sock on his hand as usual, chooses to pronounce it “omg” like it’s a little word, instead of an abbreviation. He also confesses to watching Harper in the shower, before quickly, and unsuccessfully, backtracking on it. The child singing at Cena was indeed shocking, but only because we had to suffer through it for so long. Otherwise, the rest of the nominees are kind of dull. Naturally, Lesnar beating the streak wins, which means we get to listen to Heyman’s excellent “one behind the one in 21 and 1” speech again, before Bray Wyatt turns up to cut a promo about how he’s so sad that Ambrose wrecked his rocking chair last week. We even get a replay of it, because that’s how traumatic it was.
He got his revenge on Smackdown by injuring Ambrose’s throat, leaving him to be carted off in an ambulance. “The end is near” he tells the crowd ominously, before getting a rousing “tables, ladders, chairs” chant going. Suddenly, an ambulance drives into the arena, and out of it steps Ambrose, Michael Myers-style. He pulls out, you’ve guessed it, some tables, ladders and chairs, before advancing on Wyatt. At first, he whacks Bray in the gut with the ladder, before covering the ring in tables and chairs and finally taking a moment to pose seductively on a table so he can lure Bray in and deck him with a chair again. “You’re leaving TLC in one of those” he tells his mangled corpse.
Up next, King is presenting his favourite award of all time, the “Diva Of The Year” and it’s safe to say he’s way too happy about being given the authority to do so. The clip packages remind us that two out of four of these women can actually wrestle, while another has impressive tits and the fourth cannot deliver even the most basic of lines. To put it into perspective, AJ and Paige‘s clip packages show them executing vicious moves and winning the championship, while Nikki’s shows her driving around on Total Divas. They’re all waiting anxiously backstage and are super pissed when AJ wins. Titus is there too, for some reason. AJ’s acceptance speech is actually kind of moving, though, and she’s right, she has changed the division for the better. She also takes a swipe at the seemingly never-ending rumours that she’s on the verge of quitting.
Erick Rowan -v- Luke Harper
These two have been dying to face up to one another since the break-up of their little weirdo family, so it’s odd they’re fighting separately on Sunday. It’s easy to forget Harper currently holds the IC championship, especially when he carries it down with a ladder to the ring. There’s some nice back and forth to start off with, before Rowan powers out of a headlock and eats a superkick as a result. Rowan manages a cool full nelson slam, and the fight soon spills outside where, naturally, Rowan can’t resist using the ladder on his opponent, even if it does get him disqualified. He also chucks Harper into the stairs because, as the commentators are at pains to remind us, he’s taking part in the first ever stairs match at the PPV – whatever the hell that means. Harper tries to throw them at him but Rowan flees.
Backstage, Naomi is adjusting her boobs when The Usos rock up to show her their award for being the best tag team of the year, as decided by people with fingers too fat to choose one of the other nominees. Her man reckons Miz is tricking her with his supposed agent but is all “Come on Silent Bob, we goin’ to Hollywood” when she reveals she has a casting there. These two are way funnier on Total Divas, when they’re just being themselves, but whatever, this storyline (much like Naomi‘s acting career) ain’t going nowhere anyway. The “LOL Moment Of The Year” award is next, presented by Adam Rose, who is slowly morphing into a genie judging by his outlandish facial hair. Apparently, Hugh Jackman won Guest Of The Year, which seems odd considering Arnie was on. And Aaron Paul. Also, on another note, why is one Rosebud dressed as a Pharoah? What does that have to do with partying? Mizdow wins the award, of course, and gets a massive pop, even when his boss steals the statue and delivers an acceptance speech instead. Rather brilliantly, when the crowd chant for Mizdow, Miz tells them “I hear ya, you want Miz now” This storyline really is bringing out the best in him. He finishes by thanking the moneymaker, without whom he would be nothing. Rusev and Lana sort of stroll out a bit early, like before Miz and Mizdow have even started to move backstage, and cut a promo about how the biggest LOL moment of the year was actually The Real Americans, even though they’re a faction, not a moment. Swagger turns up on cue and tells Rusev he’s going to break his ankle in revenge for him breaking Colter’s leg. Now, we know two wrongs don’t make a right, but watching Rusev squirm under Swagger’s grip, before about four refs have to prise him off, is pretty cool. He technically taps, too, because he’s punching the ground like a little bitch before they even arrive.
6-Man Tag Team Match: The Usos & Ryback -v- Kane, The Miz & Damien Mizdow
It’s so hard to think of Ryback as a face because he’s such a big, lumbering oaf but anyway, Seth Green is on commentary for this, sitting in a mini chair of course because he’s little, and JBL warns him to watch out for the big guy, lest he eat him. This is such a random mix of wrestlers, and it doesn’t help that there’s no flow whatsoever because everyone seems to be fighting as a single person, as opposed to part of a team (not including Mizdow, obviously). Seth Green is clearly crushing on Mizdow though, so that’s kind of distracting, at least. Kane and Ryback kick things off, with a rough shoulder tackle by the big guy leading to an Uso aiming from the top to tag in as Seth Green busies himself taking selfies with a clearly chuffed Michael Cole. Miz tags in next, as Kane struggles to understand what the hell Mizdow is doing next to him on the apron. The boo/cheer thing happens again and is still just as awesome, before an Uso manages a Suplex on Miz, leading he and his stunt double to roll out of the ring and writhe on the floor in pain. We’re informed that Miz lost the “Best Acting” award to The Rock, with JBL comparing him to Jack Nicholson, whom he notes also lost out many times. Back in the ring, Ryback is destroying Miz but Kane manages to tag in and save him. The Usos go for a double chokeslam but Kane resists, leading one of them to Splash out of the ring to tackle Miz instead, before Ryback wins it for them with a shellshock. Following the match, Seth Green bravely enters the ring and tries to lift his massive arm. Upon failing, The Usos lift him up onto their shoulders and they all do their little chant together. Aw.
Winners: The Usos & Ryback
Divas Match: AJ Lee -v- Summer Rae
AJ enters with her trophy, stroking it lovingly as she awaits her opponent. She doesn’t need so much make-up though, so shame on whoever made her look like a little girl, playing around in her mother’s stash, on national TV. “The Match Of The Year” is awarded before the bout starts, leaving the two ladies to hang out in the ring as it’s given to the Cena/Authority Main Event from Survivor Series. There’s no reaction whatsoever until Ziggler shows up to accept, still in his ring gear from before but with his hair tied back so he looks slightly more presentable. He delivers a sweet speech, almost on the verge of tears, and finishes by thanking the fans, without whom, he acknowledges, he wouldn’t have even had a shot at the match in question. Summer starts off the match by tapping AJ on the head, leading her to unload her aggression as a result. Summer manages a cool faceplant, before grabbing AJ in a headlock, but she powers out, only to be put in it again, and managing to escape again. Finally, the “Diva Of The Year” forces her to submit after locking Summer into the Black Widow.
Winner: AJ Lee
The next award is for the “Extreme Moment Of The Year”, and is presented by none other than Rob Van Dam, who is at least slightly less stoned than usual tonight. Actually, all of the nominees for this are pretty decent. Lesnar’s infamous sixteen Suplexes in a row to Cena seems like the clear winner, but actually the award goes to Chris Jericho, for leaping off the top of the steel cage to tackle Rollins on Raw. He isn’t here to accept, but he’s acting as GM next week, where it seems he’s going to have some beef with the new and improved Fandango, who shows up to accept the award on his behalf before dancing a bit, opening his shirt to reveal even more cleavage, and sauntering off once more. Elsewhere, Saint Mick and his little helper Noelle are shilling products from the online store again, including a replica Slammy award, a WHC belt and a Randy Savage toy! Backstage, Renee is with Show, who is booed out of it and still doesn’t seem happy to be a heel. But who cares about that, Booker T is here to present the “Superstar Of The Year” award to none other than Roman Reigns – live, in person, not via satellite and cosplaying as Ambrose (who should’ve won). He makes reference to the “brass ring”, drawing appreciative “oohs” from the fans before telling us to “BELIEVE” (long pause) “that” and walking off without another word.
Main Event: Big Show -v- John Cena
It’s Main Event time and, if you thought there was going to be more Seth Green tonight, well, you’d be wrong because he’s already been put back in his box and shipped off home. A little girl does the Cena O thing with her teeny fingers as he talks to himself at the top of the ramp, as usual, and the warring chants for and against him gather steam. In fairness, as dull as this match-up is, it’s at least entertaining to see how dwarfed Cena is by Show – he actually bounces off him as he attempts some offence early on. Cole takes the opportunity to remind us that Cena lost once…to Sheamo. And when was the last time you saw him around these parts? Coincidence? These two aren’t particularly well-matched, even regarding their fighting styles – Cena is fast and furious, whereas Show is slow and thundering – and that makes for an incredibly disjointed bout, complete with Bear Hug, which still sounds silly rather than scary, and a sleeper hold that Cena has to actually crawl onto Show’s shoulders to administer. For a moment, Show looks kind of dead, but then he springs back into action, powering out as Cena attempts a pathetic shoulder tackle that has absolutely no impact whatsoever. He does manage a Suplex though, and an AA, which is arguably the spot of the match simply because it’s so nuts to see. Suddenly, just as he seems destined to win, Rollins shows up and gets them both disqualified as he and the security team attack Cena. “No rules on Sunday!” Cole yells, like an over-excited toddler as it descends into absolute chaos in the ring (something new and different, for a change!). Rollins climbs a ladder in preparation for a curbstomp, but Ziggler shows up and pushes him off. He and Cena then team up against Noble and Mercury before Show KOs both of them. Rowan enters next, because he don’t like bullies y’all, but is stopped before he even reaches the ring by Harper, and the two of them brawl on the outside for a bit. Show chucks Rowan into the stairs (of course), as Ryback turns up and the crowd are really hot for him for some reason. He clotheslines Harper, as Kane steps in to throw him through a table. Ziggler superkicks Show twice, but ends up going through the table himself as a result. Cena AAs Harper but Rollins curbstomps him in revenge. He celebrates being the only one left standing before dismantling the announce table, putting Cena through it and then grabbing the rest of his entourage for some proper gloating in the middle of the ring.
So, that’s it, that’s all we’re getting until TLC, or should I say TLCS as the commentators were so quick to point out that CHAIRS are included this time around. How exciting. It’s totally understandable that it’s the end of the year and everything is winding down and whatnot, but sometimes it really seems as though this shit is written about five minutes before the show goes live.
Considering it was the bloody awards show tonight, the matches weren’t bad, but the Main Event sucked and it was the same ending we’ve been seeing for the past few months, too. Charlotte‘s debut was cool, but having her lose to Nattie was not. Ziggler/Rollins was good, as was Harper/Rowan, and there were some glimmers of hope in the AJ/Summer match, too. As has become custom at this stage, the comedic elements saved the show from being a total drag – and no, I’m not including Adam Rose in that.
The Mizdow storyline is the gift that keeps on giving, to use a festive analogy, and the day when it inevitably dies is going to be a sad and worrisome one for us all. As for Sunday, Ambrose/Wyatt is still the most-anticipated match of the night, although the Main Event should be halfway decent, considering Rollins is involved. This PPV has been built way better than Survivor Series, but it still doesn’t feel like anything is really at stake.
Maybe we’ve all just run out of steam since it’s the last one of the year? We’ll soon see. Hopefully I’m wrong and it’s great, but if not, at least we have R Evolution tonight, first.
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