December 18, 2014 by Joey Keogh
There are only three episodes of Raw left in the year (including this one), and on the basis of last week they aren’t exactly going to be life-changing. In fairness, we fare a little better this time around because RAW IS JERICHOOOOOO and there are also no Slammys to hand out, but the booking is weird again and nothing makes sense and there’s still that feeling of everything being made up on the hop. Anyway, Chris Jericho is GM this week and to mark the occasion, he has shown up wearing all of his accessories at once. The crowd are super hot for him, even as he waxes lyrical about how his Slammy was stolen by Fandango. It’s hard for normal people to care though, no matter how many clever puns he makes with his name. Cole is all “that’s not his name” as Jericho breaks into song only to be interrupted, mid-vamp, by Paul Heyman, who gets some ridiculous heat in Detroit for some unknown reason.
He cuts a great promo about how he’s a better choice for GM because he ran ECW, where coincidentally Jericho also got his start. Jericho wants to fight him, and Heyman is like “I’m an advocate, not a fighter” because, well, that’s true, he isn’t a wrestler so pay attention, sexy pirate man. Rollins shows up next, sensing that Heyman wanted to see him, and immediately gets in his face to the point that he says “Mr. Rollins, you’re crowding me, sir” like it’s a boardroom or something. Jericho hangs out in the corner, looking pretty smug, while two lads relentlessly cheer for Jamie Noble, who is nodding sagely along with Joey Mercury, as always. Rollins reckons he really won at TLC last night, and wants to challenge Cena to a rematch as a result – but not tonight, because he’s in too much pain. Almost on cue, the man himself turns up to ask Jericho ever so politely (and by that I mean like it’s a goddamn panto) if they can please have a match later. He also calls Rollins a baby and says a man gets back up after failing down. But what would he know? He always wins.
Shockingly, Jericho agrees to the match and sets it in a steel cage because there’s one hanging over the ring and it’d be a waste not to use it. Once Cena has fucked off, Rollins rounds on Jericho, accusing him of being jealous and out of shape. He’s a worse GM than the computer! He couldn’t even beat Heyman! Heyman takes his cue to be like “I think you can beat Paul Heyman” but it’s too late, the damage is done, and now he must take part in a match opposite Jericho later, the stipulation for which will be decided by the fans based on three identical options. Choose wisely, folks.
Tag Team Match: Big Show & Luke Harper -v- Erick Rowan & Dolph Ziggler
A tag team match featuring two tag teams who aren’t actually tag teams! This should go swimmingly! Ziggler has a hoodie now so good for him. He and Harper kick things off, quite literally, as he knocks the bearded one off balance with a smooth dropkick. Show is going through the motions yet again, with a shoulder tackle barely even registering in spite of Ziggler selling it quite well. Harper takes over, meaning Ziggler suffers quite a beating for the duration of the match as Rowan barely gets a look in, even though his is the hot tag, the crowd losing their minds when he’s tagged in for a few, fleeting moments opposite his swamp brother. Sporting a spiffy plaster on his head, much like Nelly, who I’m fairly certain is still a thing, Ziggler is in fine form as usual but there’s a weird air to this match and it doesn’t really make any sense, booking-wise, nor does it have any bearing on anything else. Show wins it for them with a KO punch, which is about as exciting as usual.
Winners: Big Show & Luke Harper
Backstage, Rosa is groping Fandango‘s man cleavage when Jericho shows up, rather menacingly, behind him. The crowd barely even react. Who cares about the goddamn Slammy, though, seriously!? Cole reckons the ending to last night’s PPV was “shocking” (geddit?) because he doesn’t watch NXT and can’t understand anything. Elsewhere, Renee is with The New Day, who are working their preacher gimmick to h orribly racist effect and E is already sweaty for some reason. They call her “sister Renee” because someone, somewhere thinks that’s really funny.
Divas Tag Team Match: The Bella Twins -v- Alicia Fox & Natalya
In case you didn’t get that the Bellas are heels right now, their ring gear is black, so that should make it clearer for you, stupid people. Alicia and Nattie do not get entrances, but it doesn’t matter really because this is all just one big commercial for Total Divas, which will no doubt make this look like an actual match once it airs. Cole refers to “Tyson’s husband Natalya” and then tries to save face by pretending he was referring to all of the “Nattie’s Husband” slags but we all know the truth. He sucks. He sucks so bad he makes King look good. Speaking of Tyson, he’s the most interesting element to this whole fiasco, especially when he comforts an injured Nikki in spite of the fact his wife has just won the match for her team. Don’t judge, she has a better boob job.
Winners: Alicia Fox & Natalya
Jericho’s super-popular Highlight Reel follows, with Rusev and Lana featured as “special guests” in spite of the fact they show up on Raw every single week. She’s in a satin suit, Jericho calls her a tramp, there are some “funny” moments and then Rusev attempts to threaten Jericho with a crushing. He keeps telling them both to chill and do their DDP yoga, but soon Ryback turns up to spoil the fun and the Russian(s) flee. Who’s the face here, though, seriously it’s so hard to tell. A promo for The Ascension follows and it’s awesome, in spite of the fact it was seemingly filmed in the back room of a laundromat.
Tag Team Re-Match: The New Day -v- Goldust & Stardust
There is no reaction whatsoever to anyone’s entrance for this one, and Kofi takes his seat on commentary almost sheepishly, explaining to a bemused JBL that his team are all about having fun. You could’ve fooled us, Kofi! Back in the ring, E administers a backbreaker that looks like absolute shit in spite of his massive knee, while Kofi reiterates the same “jokes” as before about his sweating problems. Goldust stops E mid-throw, tags in and bounces his head off the ropes before getting the hell out of there once again. He manages to get him in a sleeper hold, but E powers out for an elbow and a kick, and suffers a spinebuster for his trouble. JBL asks whether Xavier wants his hair to look like that before his team wins with The Midnight Hour, retaining the championship for another night. Woooooo-hoo.
Winners: The New Day
Up next, Miz and Mizdow cut a promo about how shit Jimmy Uso is and that “tonight, the curtain will fall” on his story. Ominous. Speaking of ominous, Adam Rose and his entourage (including Jimmy Jacobs, who must really need the money judging by his enthusiasm) are bouncing around a hallway, singing tunelessly, when Kane turns up to tell them he doesn’t like them, because it says so in the script. The Bunny gets in between he and his master, then quickly thinks better of it and hides.
Adam Rose -v- Kane
Is Kane limping on purpose, like a gangster, or are his slacks just too bloody tight again? Either way, he looks uncomfortable and I don’t blame him because this match-up is trash. He kicks the shit out of Rose, making quick work of him in what has to be one of the dumbest, most blatant squash matches of the year. Bunny interrupts just in time to suffer a double chokeslam alongside his owner, before getting tombstone pile-driven once the bell has signalled the end of the match.
Jericho is back again, with his fancy jacket, all set for his match with Heyman who, it must be noted, is rocking an all-black tracksuit for the occasion. Heyman is all “You aren’t PG ya big crowd pleaser”, leading Jericho to look even smugger than usual, before offering him money he apparently owes him from twenty years ago. What even is this!? Jericho isn’t interested, he just wants to know what the fans have chosen as tonight’s special match. It’s a street fight, but let’s face it, they’re all the same, and Heyman was gonna feign shitting his pants no matter what. Brock Lesnar shows up finally, does a lap of the ring without his belt and then Jericho swiftly eats an F5. The crowd chant relentlessly for Cena to come help his friend, because that happens so often.
Fandango and Rosa show up next, perpetuating the unfunny joke that neither of them can dance very well but both have amazing cleavage. He’s all “RAW WAS JERICHO AHAHAHAHAHAHA” when suddenly Roman Reigns‘s music drops, leaving an accountant in the back row flummoxed. He Superman punches Fandango, then Spears him, before Show turns up to give out to Reigns for touching him last night or some shit. Reigns warns him not to approach, but he does it anyway, after calling him “pretty boy” a couple times like this is fucking Deliverance, and he eats a Superman punch, too, as a result. Frustrated, Show picks up the stairs and throws them at the ring, leaving them to land nowhere near Reigns, possibly as a slight against the extra S in TLCS, . which was totally stupid, as we all know.
The Miz -v- Jimmy Uso
Miz starts this match off by running away like a little bitch, but it doesn’t really matter because the crowd are only chanting for his partner anyway. Naomi is watching backstage again, seemingly always clad in her ring gear just in case a fight breaks out. As usual, the best parts of the match are Mizdow’s reactions, even though Miz gets mad at him at one point for getting in his way. Uso clotheslines him clean out of the ring, then Splashes out to land on him, before another Splash wins it for him. Immediately after, an out of breath Miz catches up with Uso’s wife, tells her she’ll be appearing on his show tomorrow and urges her not to tell Jimmy. That’s right, this non-storyline lives on. Possibly forever.
Winner: Jimmy Uso
Main Event: Steel Cage Match: John Cena -v- Seth Rollins
Rollins limps it up real nice, all the way to the ring, but immediately tries to escape once the bell has rung. There are a few cool spots to note during this bout ( but it’s way too long at twenty minutes), including a bulldog from the second rope by Cena which looks really painful and is followed up by a ruthless AA. He almost wins with it, in fact, but Noble blocks his exit until Cena uses the door to send him flying backwards into the barricade, thereby giving Rollins enough time to sneak up behind him on the top rope. They tease a Superplex but Rollins suffers a boring ol’ leg drop instead. He then screams in Cena’s face that he should’ve waited, before chucking him into the side of the cage for good measure. People are actually chanting for Rollins tonight, which is truly bizarre considering the ridiculous amount of heat he’s been getting for apparently being a “sell-out”. Cena almost escapes but Mercury blocks him, getting hit with the door himself in the process. Rollins goes for his finisher, but Cena counters with the STF, and almost makes it out again. He then clotheslines Rollins as he attempts to hit him with the briefcase, as Cole excitedly reminds us there are NO RULES in this match. Rollins then counters Cena’s attempt at the AA, and whacks him with the case, before making it over the top but getting dragged back in at the last second. Cena manages an AA from the top rope – “the most devastating in history” according to a gleeful King. Suddenly, Lesnar shows up, with the belt this time, circles like a shark again, and enters the ring to deliver a few German Suplexes to Cena, for old times’ sake. He follows them up with the F5, leaving Cena for dead and strolling off happily (well, as happily as Lesnar ever manages to look). Heyman shakes Rollins’ hand, he curbstomps Cena, and then ever so slowly descends the stairs to victory.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Another week, another rubbish Raw to leave a bad taste in our mouths. At least after the disastrous TLC(S), we still had [R]Evolution fresh in our minds to keep our spirits up. There’s such a massive difference between the two products, it’s bizarre. If you’re not watching NXT, you should, because it’ll soften the blow when Raw sucks as bad as it does right now.
What’s particularly sad, as with the PPV, is that talented dudes like Ziggler, Harper, Rowan, Rollins, Ambrose, Wyatt, et al are trying their hardest every week to sell this product to us but are saddled with shit storylines, nonsensical angles and badly-written matches and promos that go absolutely nowhere. It’s upsetting, for all concerned, and having NXT to compare it to doesn’t really help matters.
There are two episodes left this year, one of which is the dreaded Christmas special, so it’s doubtful we’re going to get a quick turnaround to end 2014 on a high note. We live in hope, of course, but it’d almost be better to continue on this road to nothingness before kicking 2015 off with a bang. Again, we can only hope.
Follow Gorilla Press on Twitter: @Gpressonline
Follow Joey on Twitter: @JoeyLDG
Like Gorilla Press on Facebook: GorillaPress
Check out more of Wrasslor Monkey’s work: @WrasslorMonkey