Raw Report: 25th May 2015


May 26, 2015 by Joey Keogh

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The go-home show for Elimination Chamber kicks off with a four minute tribute to the US troops fighting all those horrible foreigners overseas. Now, no offence to anyone who has a family member or friend in the military but this is not what we’re tuning into RAW for. EC was only announced, like, five minutes ago though so it doesn’t really count. This is also the only mention of Memorial Day, unlike every other goddamn year when a promo for it played in between each match. The Authority are out first, to discuss how Dean Ambrose really needs to sign a contract to guarantee his title match at the PPV because otherwise all five billion of those posters they’ve had made are going to go to waste. Rollins encourages claps for him, but then refers to Ambrose as a “common thug” – which is it, Abe? As per usual, he cuts a reliably good promo while cackling like a loon as the others look on proudly (particularly Noble). Ambrose, meanwhile, is so over that he dances along to the crowd’s chants for him, taking his time explaining thatambrose groove, instead of counting sheep in order to fall asleep, he counts the amount of punches he intends to give his old buddy Seth Rollins on Sunday. See, he actually really wants to be the face of the WWE and, when he inevitably gets there, he’s going to ensure that everyone dresses according to their particular fetish, with Noble and Mercury foregoing shoes so they can look like real hobbits and Kane sporting a dog collar. During this little campaign speech, Ambrose also makes a reference to The Human Centipede, which should delight controversy-chaser Tom Six no end (after all, what’s more controversial than Dean Ambrose?) It’s wonderful to see him so over, but Reigns soon shows up to spoil the fun and lands them all in a match in the process.

Tag Team Match: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose Vs. Kane & Seth Rollins
Kane and Ambrose kick things off in okay fashion before the match devolves into the usual display of too-polite tagging in and out, all of which leads to nowhere interesting. Reigns soon ruins things yet again by getting involved where he’s not wanted, as Cole calls “clubbing blows” like we’re watching a load of polar bears scoot around whacking each other for no apparent reason. Let’s face it, Ambrose is better alone and Reigns slows him down no end, especially as he somehow scores the hot tag right off a bloody massive clothesline from his far superior partner. However, a Superman Punch soon leads to another tag and Ambrose is back in the game before we know it, hitting a stunning flying elbow from the top. Rollins one-ups him with a flying knee from the same spot, but it’s Ambrose’s moment to shine tonight as he wins it for his team with a reversal into a simple back-slide.
Winners: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose

Immediately following the match, Renee is looking for a scoop as usual and she approaches Ambrose who, thankfully, has not yet attempted to put his sweaty-armed leather jacket back on to his sweaty arms. Mercury and Noble interrupt but gosh darn it they’ve forgotten the contract. “Slap my face and call me Sally” Noble says and, true to form, Ambrose does exactly that. A brawl ensues and ambrose camera fightsome poor actor/cameraman ends up getting hurt in the crossfire. JBL is particularly offended by this for some reason. A dope Kevin Owens vignette plays next, showcasing not just his incredible rise to prominence/infamy in NXT but also his awesome take-down of John Cena last week. Say what you will about cheap shots (watch a different show, what do you want?), but Owens made his mark and is totally deserving of a title shot at Elimination Chamber.

Rusev Vs. R-Truth
Uh oh. This ain’t gonna last long – R-Truth is involved. Rusev is still upset over what happened last week with his manager/sex slave and he takes it out on Truth. He wins via the Accolade but his heart isn’t in it, which is kind of sad. Speaking of sad, once he’s put his opponent out, we then have to suffer through five too-real minutes of Rusev begging Lana to come out and speak to him. When she finally emerges, we are reminded that she has great entrance music that is all her own and, although things look positive for a while, the Bulgarian brute (who has reverted back to his own country’s flag since losing his Russian) ruins it all when he pulls the “bitches be crazy” card and demands Lana admit she was wrong. He literally says “know your place, woman” and it’s amazing, even though it’s wrong and doesn’t bode well for the Divas. Funnily enough, she doesn’t go for it and leaves him to go smooch Ziggles some more.
Winner: Rusev

Backstage, Trips and Rollins implicate Ambrose for allegedly assaulting a member of staff, whom they force, both literally and figuratively, into giving a confession to the cops. The funniest part of this whole segment, aside from the fact it lines up Ambrose to be this generation’s Stone Cold, is when he quips, as he’s being read his Miranda rights, that he’s “heard all this before”. Later, Mercury, Noble, Rollins and Kane gather to watch him being bundled into a police van. As you do.

King Barrett Vs. Ryback
Goldberg reckons Ryback needs to find his own identity. I agree, and if he could find it somewhere else, like fucking TNA for example, that’d be great. Barrett starts off by pointing his royal sabre (oo-er) at the IC title belt, which is being proudly displayed ringside like it’s the crown jewels (oo-er again). This is a decent little build-up to the EC match for the title, but the flow is disrupted by The Big Guy’s confusion over his own injury. Some moves hurt his ribs, others don’t. It’s very distracting. Cole focuses on the make-up of the barricades for some reason but neglects to discuss why certain wrestlers, such as Barrett and Ambrose, choose to flaunt their armpit hair while others get rid. The Winds Of Change is impressive, as always, but Barrett suffers a Spinebuster after going for the Bullhammer and Ryback soon follows it up with the Shellshock to win.
Winner: Ryback

Meanwhile, Steph and Trips are discussing their evil plans out loud and within earshot of anyone within a five mile radius, with a heavily Photoshopped and totally terrifying Ryback watching over them from the poster behind, when the Entourage guys show up to justify their appearance on RAW. If you’ve seen the ridiculously smug trailer for their upcoming movie, then you’ll already have some idea of just how painfully unfunny their appearance is. A mention of Ronda Rousey does not go down well, but that’s pretty much the highlight (not just of this segment, but of their entire stint on the show).

Stardust Vs. Neville
Speaking of weird appearances, Stephen Amell, star of hit show Arrow (according to the graphic that pops up just under him) is here tonight because he has Twitter beef with Stardust. Er, okay, he knows you’re not supposed to drag that stuff intoneville the real world, right? I mean, Jericho’s account was hacked but that doesn’t mean that kid wanted him dead or anything, right? Right? Neville will be facing Bo Dallas on Sunday, so this bout serves as a bit of a warm-up for the Geordie, just so he can injure his knee a bit more before the big night. Bo interrupts at a crucial moment, but that doesn’t stop Neville stealing a win with the Red Arrow. Unfortunately, he gets superkicked in his knee immediately after, as Dallas encourages him to bolieeeeeeeeeve DAT.
Winner: Neville

An Entourage/Total Divas promo follows, during which it is plainly obvious (as though there were ever any doubt) that Vince sees females as objects to be lusted after and interacted with, but never respected. In his mind, home-town hero Zack Ryder is more deserving of attention from Adrian Grenier and whoever those other lads are. Oh well, I guess they’ll just have to wait around by the bins until Adam Rose shows up to kiss all of them one by one. The Entourage guys, I mean.

Dolph Ziggler Vs. Sheamus
These two are also facing up in the chamber on Sunday so, again, this is a nice little pre-match kick-about for them (although they should be getting a proper singles match, given the build-up and how well they’ve worked together thus far). Sheamo spends most of it yelling in Ziggler’s face about how he’s a “total idiot” and how he shouldn’t have eaten the last Kimberley Mikado without asking because he was rusev lanasaving that for his cup of tea later, god damn it. Ziggler clotheslines both of them out of the ring as he struggles to gain dominance over the Irishman. JBL says “pods” a lot. Lana watches from the top of the ramp where she damn well belongs. A crossbody and a Fame Asser by Ziggler lead to a very close near fall, before Rusev shows up and eats a superkick for trying to intervene. Sheamo capitalises to pin Ziggler and win, then legs it and leaves he and Rusev to tussle for a bit in the ring. Ziggler does not come out of it well.
Winner: Sheamus

Cena’s US Challenge Thing That Won’t Die: Zack Ryder
“The remix!” Cena quips to a cameraman who clearly wants him dead, “But it’s still a popular song!” He’s referring, of course, to the classic “John Cena sucks” jingle of which every fan apart from those unfortunately named Mark is fond. It’s the basis for his lengthy, pre-match promo tonight, which hits all the same points it usually does until the stupid Entourage guys come out AGAIN to introduce Ryder because apparently just having his music drop in his home state wouldn’t have been good enough. In fairness to Ryder, he does himself proud in spite of the fact he hasn’t a hope in hell of winning this (nor does anyone else, for that matter). He hits the Broski Boot but messes up a 450 Splash, leading the Entourage lads to show offryder cena just how good they can act (hint: not very well at all). Kevin Owens shows up once Cena has achieved his inevitable victory, hits him with the Pop-up Powerbomb, lifts the NXT title aloft once more and stomps on the US title in the process.
Winner: John Cena

Divas Match: Paige Vs. Tamina
The ladies have a triple threat on Sunday and, to that end, the Bellas are on commentary tonight with Nikki providing well thought out, insightful asides while her sister whines about the lack of soy alternatives available in catering. Tamina and Paige do okay, and they get a decent amount of time, comparatively speaking, but considering the amount of time dedicated to Zack Ryder and John Cena just beforehand, it’s a little insulting that this is the best they can do for the ladies. After all, their sisters on NXT are headlining. If all they’ve got on the main shows are non-matches and promos backstage hitting on TV nobodies, then what’s the incentive to move up?
Winner: Tamina

10-on-3 Handicap Match: The New Day Vs. Every Other Tag Team In The Division
The New Day have a bone to pick tonight; they want to know why they’re being punished for keeping the PMA – particularly in some backwater hell-hole that’s about to be torn down any minute now. It’s a good question, and one which Kane, who new day handicapis still opting to go shirtless in spite of his own physique, answers by sticking them in a handicap match with virtually every other tag team on the roster. Things start off okay but, after Xavier Woods gets a bit smug about kind-of winning it, the other teams descend on the ring, leading everything to go predictably mental. They win by DQ and Cesaro Swings Woods once everything is all over.
Winners: The New Day (by DQ)

Unsurprisingly, footage captured by another cameraman (you mean there’s more than one?) exonerates Ambrose. Unsurprisingly, this does not dissuade The Authority and they gather in the ring for a quick circle jerk about how well they’ve done by keeping him from signing the contract tonight. Reigns shows up yet again and attacks, suffering a chokeslam by Kane‘s hand in the process, as Steph applauds his efforts. Just when everyone is rounding on each other, suddenly,ambrose cop sirens sound and Ambrose pulls right into the arena in the same police van that picked him up earlier, sporting a hat and jacket accordingly. He’s also picked up two night-sticks and he aims both squarely at The Authority, moving quickly to clothesline Kane before he and Reigns double-team him and turn their attention to the security team, who Reigns hits with a double Spear. He Superman Punches Kane, Ambrose knocks him out with the Dirty Deeds and finally the contract is signed and the match made official. “Quick! End the show!” JBL begs hysterically. He really doesn’t want to see him as champion, but luckily for Ambrose, the rest of us most definitely do.


One thought on “Raw Report: 25th May 2015

  1. […] at Elimination Chamber against none other than John Cena (and just so happened to kick his ass on RAW. […]

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