June 23, 2015 by Joey Keogh
This week’s RAW was worse than Clash Of The Titans. Episodes like this one make me so mad that I wasted three hours of my life on them when I could’ve been doing something more productive like staring into space or eating an entire tube of Pringles in one sitting. It kicks off well, with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman striding out to a confused rumble of boos/chants from the Indiana fans. Lesnar appears to have paid a visit to the tanning beds recently as he’s patchily brown in parts (Kane looks similarly Tangoed). Heyman offers a so-called refresher course on the feud between his client and Seth Rollins thus far, not that one was needed as theirs is perhaps the only current feud that makes any sense, or has any history behind it. To that end, Lesnar is here to apologise to Cole and JBL because The Authority are making him. He starts off by shaking JBL’s hand, then moves on to a terrified Cole, whom he grabs in a headlock before giving him nuggies and then demanding to know whether they’re okay (Cole raises his hands as though Lesnar is attempting to mug him and replies in the affirmative). Heyman then offers a public apology, in advance of what’s to come at Battleground in a few weeks. He cuts an excellent promo that reminds us all why he should be opening and closing every damn instalment of RAW. Usually, these openings suck because they drag like hell but, when Heyman is involved, he could be reciting every name on the roster for twenty minutes and I’d still love it. He ends by welcoming Rollins to Suplex City, bitch.
Dean Ambrose Vs. Kane
RAW ran way over this week, which is odd considering practically all of the matches were garbage. Like this one, for example, which makes no sense and is appealing to precisely nobody. Ambrose gives it everything he’s got, as usual, and Kane is less comatose than usual, but it doesn’t go anywhere fun or involve anything we haven’t seen a million times over. Almost to reiterate this point, Cole spends the whole damn thing reminding us of the promo we just saw while Byron, still filling in for Booker while he stars on Tough Enough, says “dethroning” in such a way that it sounds as though he’s actually saying “deep-throating”. Kane dominates pretty much throughout, with Ambrose managing to turn the match to his favour in its final moments but then Rollins shows up for no apparent reason and he suicide dives out of the ring to tackle him which, as it turns out, is just enough time for Kane to steal a victory with a boring old chokeslam.
Immediately following the match, Rollins sidles up to Kane backstage in an effort to make amends, not because he needs back up against Lesnar but because he genuinely feels bad about what’s happened between them. Predictably, Kane is having none of it.
Tag Team Match: The Prime Time Players Vs. The Ascension
The poor Ascension get a jobber entrance, and their asses handed to them, in this annoyingly stilted and short match that, given how crap the card is tonight, is still probably one of the highlights comparatively speaking. The PTP have their double team move-set down, but the Legion Of Doom manage to nail some respectable offence here and there too. They also have red triangles drawn on their foreheads this week, possibly to scare off their competitors (it doesn’t work). Young hits a gnarly clothesline/throw combo and subsequently wins it for his team with the Gut Check. Backstage, The New Day angrily eat celery and baulk at what’s just happened.
Winners: The Prime Time Players
Sheamus Vs. Roman Reigns
There’s no time to rest as we’re straight into the next match, with Sheamo making his entrance before his predecessors have even left the ring. Reigns does duckface at the top of the stairs, descending slowly and fist-pumping the most special looking people for extra Cena points. They lock up straight away and that’s about as involving as this match gets. The best part is when Sheamo realises the 10 Beats don’t work so well on someone wearing a goddamn bulletproof vest, or when he hits a load of Irish Curses in a row and Reigns forgets to sell and then suddenly has a back injury. Bray Wyatt, Reigns’s soon-to-be opponent at the PPV, shows up in another creepy, pre-recorded promo during which he appears to have a tea party with Reigns’s kid. As it turns out, it’s just a spooky little rocking chair he’s talking to, but that doesn’t stop Reigns running backstage and checking a few doors (but not all of them) just in case. He eventually stumbles upon the set of Wyatt’s promo, where the walls are covered in photos of him with the eyes and mouths cut out of them and the words “Anyone But You” scrawled on the walls. Is Wyatt a bit like Owens? Is he the voice of the WWE universe?
Elsewhere, Rollins tries to work his magic on Mercury and Noble in catering but it’s to no avail as they are mad at the Hobbit jokes and whatnot. “Everyone loves those movies” Rollins reasons, “Let’s get the band back together”. Sadly they are unmoved by these confused references.
Neville Vs. Kofi Kingston
And now we have the other contender for match of the night, during which Big E and Xavier Woods prove their worth, yet again, as tag team members by taking photos ringside, yelling at the photographer to do his job, yelling at Neville as he lies exhausted on the floor and eventually getting themselves thrown out. Kofi argues with the ref about letting his friends stay, which gives the Geordie powerhouse enough time to disarm him and hit the Red Arrow to win.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
King Barrett Vs. Zack Ryder
Before this bout kicks off, there’s a message from King What’s Up, who has glued his crown back together and is now brandishing a toilet plunger in place of a sceptre. He wants Barrett to recognise his royal authority. What I want is for Barrett to win a bloody match for once. Thankfully, he does, but not before Ryder shows off what he can do. Kind of. Good for him, but let’s face it if Barrett didn’t win here, we’d be getting worried about just who exactly he pissed off backstage.
Winner: King Barrett
Cena is back y’all and he’s brought his insufferable, twenty minute long, racist ass, ‘Murica-loving promos with him. Yeeeeeeeeee-haw. He think Owens is hot. He also thinks MGK is a musician and estimates his weight at 95 pounds. After suggesting he may be exactly what everyone thinks he is, a slimy product of corporate America, Owens shows up to be like “I’m not upset” and speak Québécois in order to get boos except it doesn’t work because he’s still pretty over. Cena doesn’t want to be outdone so he speaks in French and Chinese and then points at his own butt and yells “I will kick your ASS”. As we move backstage to Trips and Steph, the former points out that what Cena just did probably isn’t official sign language. Rollins shows up to beg for his Mommy and Daddy’s forgiveness but he’s been very naughty and they have to punish him a little bit longer to drag out the show some more.
Divas Tag Team Match: The Bella Twins Vs. Naomi & Tamina Snuka
Alicia Fox is with the Bellas now because somebody on the writing staff clearly hates her. Paige isn’t here because she’s doing Tough Enough so prepare yourselves for a few weeks of filler. To be fair, whenever Nikki, Naomi and Tamina are involved, this match sizzles, but Brie gets far too much of a look in and she just ruins the atmosphere completely. Thankfully, her sister nabs the win with the Rack Attack after Naomi accidentally She Calls It The Rear Views Tamina.
Winners: The Bella Twins
Ryback Vs. Mark Henry
Big Show is on commentary for this. He calls the match, offers shouts of encouragement to Henry and even gives certain insights into why Ryback is going to lose both here and at Battleground (he just thinks he’s tough while others actually are). I focus on his input because this match is trash. Henry loses after Ryback counters his attempt at the World’s Strongest Slam with a meathook clothesline that looks like a misguided punch and then splashes from the top rope for the pin. Afterwards, Jojo attempts to interview him and he’s all “Don’t go calling me Flyback now heh heh heh The Big Guy is FUNNY”. Bros who laugh at their own jokes are the worst. He also makes this weird reference to his estranged parents that feels totally out of place. Show soon turns up for a bit of a brawl.
Dolph Ziggler Vs. Adam Rose
Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be another match you didn’t want to see, there’s this one. Ziggler is with Lana, Rose is with Rosa and there’s lots of gross, PG kissing. A superkick by Ziggler starts things off as Rusev watches anxiously backstage with only his crutches as company. Ziggler powers out of a sleeper hold to hit a backdrop and then Rose almost wins but he doesn’t. Rusev is mad at all the kissing but Summer Rae comforts him. Ziggler makes Lana take her bun out but her hair is also in a ponytail so it doesn’t quite have the desired effect.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Finally, after a ten-day trek through the desert we have reached our Main Event. Rollins is here to apologise for being wrong. He calls out Mercury, Noble and Kane but they are having none of it, even when he refers to “family” (presumably he means Fast And The Furious family, not literal family) and begs for forgiveness. They all scarper when Lesnar and Heyman reappear. But then, Kane attacks Lesnar from behind and it all kicks off. Mercury and Noble get caught in the crossfire but Kane manages to chokeslam The Beast a couple times, even as Rollins eats German Suplex after German Suplex. They do manage to double team Lesnar quite a bit and it’s pretty insane to see him disarmed like this but, unfortunately, even though this is a pretty cool segment, it goes on way too long. It all ends with Rollins hitting the Pedigree on Lesnar before getting in his face and lording the belt over him.